Sirius' Cure for Exam Tension
by Louiseifer
Summary: Sirius and Remus slash, sort of about exam stress. Sirius eats a lot of pineapple and summons rock stars. Remus frets, despairs and agonises. everyone else watches in confusion.
1. Mmm Default

Sirius' Cure for Exam Tension  
  
By Queen Smithy  
  
A/N: This is an ode to everyone sitting exams right now, or ever. I could say the whole thing spawned from exam stress had I ever experienced such a thing. The story is rather strange, but bare with me. I haven't written any Sirius/Remus in a while on account of working on a long story on fictionpress.net which in my opinion you should really go and read, it's called Avast Ye! and my friends have said it's a work of genius and who am I to call them liars?  
  
Setting/Summary/Thing: It's the 1970's/80's sometime and Sirius and Remus are at University. They seem to be coping with things in very different ways.  
  
Music listened to while writing this: Queen's "Innuendo" album (Note To Self: quit listening to this album while feeling emotional), Queen's "The Game", Brian May's "Another World" solo album, "Hamsterman" by Those Darned Accordions! and this random Metallica song I have on right now. . . **Switches it to Queen**  
  
***  
  
Remus Lupin ran his long fingers through his golden streaked hair and sighed aloud. The words on the page in front of him swam about faster the more he tried to focus on them. Maybe Sirius was right; studying wasn't worth it. But only was it not worth it, but it was giving him a headache and when he got headaches they lasted for days, and his final exam just happened to be tomorrow. A quiet growl rumbled in the back of his throat as he tried once more to take in the words in front of him. It wasn't going to work.  
  
"What's up, Moony?" Sirius was sitting across the room from him, eating pineapple slices from a can and grinning lop-sidedly.  
  
"I've got a test tomorrow and I don't know anything!" Remus groaned.  
  
"Relax," said Sirius. "Don't try to cram it into your head. If you don't know it by now, you never will."  
  
Remus snorted. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."  
  
"Any time, Moony!"  
  
Sirius sat there eating pineapple and watching Remus a bit longer; he was cross-legged in his own personal arm chair, looking rather like a Tibetan monk in jeans and a t-shirt. Sirius was relaxation incarnate. He made reclining armchairs with fluffy cushions and a built-in drinks chiller look tense and uptight. Remus sometimes envied his ability to let absolutely nothing get to him. While Remus got all angsty about little things like burnet toast and stains on the carpet, Sirius was the kind of person who could sit there listening to his walkman with his eyes closed during a hurricane, then ask half an hour later in a bemused voice where all the walls and furniture had gone.  
  
He also ate a lot of pineapple, and Remus swore there was some link there.  
  
Anyway. Remus sat in his corner of the living room, studying from his Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts for Degree Level text books and occasionally making the effort to move his hair from in front of his eyes, and Sirius hummed a little tune he had invented earlier and pointedly didn't open the Potions for the Dedicated Student book on the floor in front of his chair. I might as well not have been there, and Remus was sure it had plenty of better things to be doing, like educating someone, but he didn't say anything because he didn't want another tiff with Sirius. They tended to be one-sided and not a lot of fun. Last time it had taken him ten minutes to notice that Sirius hadn't said anything and was in fact cheering him on in his struggle against a non existent opposer. Things like this happened often, and although they annoyed Remus to no end, they only seemed to make Sirius love him even more, so *that* was all right.  
  
However, there was only a certain length of time during which Sirius' attention span would last, and once he ran out of pineapple slices he stood up and stretched like a cat would stretch should cats someday evolve the bipedal tendencies which make human beings so unique and destructive. That is to say he had a damn good stretch during which his spine bent back alarmingly and several joints clicked, making Remus flinch and look up.  
  
"Where are you going?" he asked.  
  
"Nowhere."  
  
"Where are you going once you actually start going there?" said Remus, who had been around Sirius for far too long.  
  
"Still nowhere. Just thought I'd go for a walk."  
  
"And leave me on my own?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Oh, thanks." Remus shoved his hair out of his eyes and his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Do think of me while you're out there in the sunshine strolling along and being generally un-troubled and content in your existence."  
  
"Will do, baby." Sirius flashed him a toothy grin. "Why not put some of your quaint classical music on and -"  
  
"It's not *quaint*. It's sophisticated." Remus tried to look stern and failed miserably. "Unlike the stuff you listen to," he added.  
  
"Led Zeppelin!" said Sirius happily, digging his walkman out of his pocket.  
  
"Yeah, them. And the band with the hairy guy."  
  
"Meh?"  
  
"And the other guy with the teeth."  
  
"Oh." Sirius flashed his own pearly-white grin again and went to find his battered and dented Queens Greatest Hits tape. Remus watched him throwing cassettes about for a while, then went back to his text book. He had given up on Sirius' music tastes early last year when Sirius had been fiddling about with some new spells and had managed to teleport the guy "with the teeth" (known to the entire rest of the world as Freddie Mercury) into their living room. That had caused quite a lot of chaos and uncertainty, or would have done had Remus not taken full control of the situation, and, having persuaded the rock star that he really, really didn't want to give Sirius his phone number, and that putting his teacup down on the house elf's head was unacceptable, finally found the right spell to put everything back to normal, whatever that was. In fact, it occurred to Remus that when you were Sirius Black's live-in lover, having Freddie Mercury appear from nowhere and eat all the bourbon biscuits before dropping white powder all over the bathroom floor and cursing about it until he was made to vanish again was, in face, a defining example of normality. It was simply a localised spin on the usual definition of normality, which was a distinct lack of Freddie Mercury and the talcum powder being kept in a secure cupboard and not left lying around where anybody could knock it over. (Bourbon biscuits are accepted as normal in most cultures, funnily enough, except for one particular South American tribe who have developed a mortal fear for the things, although no one knows the reason for this.)  
  
Right now, however, there were no rock stars, partly because Sirius couldn't find the tape he was looking for and partly because Remus had added to the bottom of their welcome mat the words "unless you are: asking for money, selling something, Freddie Mercury, or delivering pizza to the wrong address." This last one remained unexplained even to Sirius, and all Remus had ever said on the matter was that he'd had a nasty encounter with some anchovies late one night which had left him with mental scars. Sirius eventually gave up hunting for the tape. He had been reading up on Taoism, and rather liked the idea because what it basically said was "do absolutely nothing at all and it'll all work out fine just as long as you trust it to." This, Sirius thought, was exactly how the world should work, but he'd have given more thought to committing himself to the philosophy if the Ancient Masters had had more to say on the topic of pineapple. As it was, pineapple didn't get a mention, as you can expect from an idea which was thought up in the Orient three thousand years ago. Remus explained that Lao- tse had never seen a pineapple in his life, and Sirius had considered it foolish to take advice from someone deprived thus. Remus had then suggested that they had lychees in 1000 BC instead, and then had to spend all afternoon persuading Sirius that a lychee was not a slanty-eyed blood- sucking exoparasitic worm. It was, in fact, a fruit.  
  
"Like a pineapple?"  
  
"No, Sirius, not like a pineapple."  
  
"Not much of a fruit then, really, is it?"  
  
And thus was life with Sirius Black. Remus occasionally spent hours on the phone to James Potter, telling him how lucky he was to have Lily, a perfectly nice and normal young girl who absolutely never summoned Freddie Mercury or put teaspoons in the freezer because "it drains their power". Remus was forever telling himself to walk out, get his own place, marry some stupid girl who wouldn't mind him being gay really, and try to fit in with the more universally accepted definition of normality. Then he realised two things; firstly that even if he could find a girl who accepted (or didn't notice) his sexuality, he would never find one who was utterly comfortable with him being a werewolf. It was funny how people reacted when you told them that, only not really all that very funny because Remus had never once been inclined to laugh about it. Sirius, on the other hand, found the whole werewolf thing sickeningly fascinating, but he was always on hand at full moon to keep Remus calm and sedated. Secondly, Remus knew that the real reason he stayed with Sirius was because he was desperately in love with him (needing him was merely an excuse.) Going away wouldn't change that. So here he was, living with Sirius in a flat paid for by Sirius' wealthy parents, trying to stay sane and get through University.  
  
Remus and Sirius went to a high-achieving, well-known University which you will have heard of, but they studied subjects which you certainly won't. Sirius was into magical Potions (which involves a shocking amount of blowing stuff up) and Remus studied Defence Against the Dark Arts because in these sinister times you never knew who was round the next corner (or when Freddie Mercury would show up, possibly with a pineapple.) The reason you won't have heard of these subjects is because they weren't open to you at University, and the reason for *that* is because you never went to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And that clears that up nicely, we rather think.  
  
When Sirius left, Remus made a few half-hearted notes from the text book then closed it again and sighed in a relaxed way. Then he felt guilty and opened it again. Then he got angry at the words for not staying still or meaning something he could understand, and he shut the book again and threw it across the room. Then he picked it up, opened it up again, and made a few more notes. This cycle continued for some time, then he finally decided he wished Sirius was there and got Sirius-sick, which is like home-sick because it didn't mean he was sick of Sirius but sick because he missed him. His solution was to have a cup of tea, but it didn't really help terribly much, so he pined a bit instead, which involved standing about wearing a pathetic expression and sighing "Oh, Sirius, where *are* you?" When it turned out that this wasn't helping either, he began to run out of things to do. With a frustrated growl, he flopped down on the couch and stared uninterested at the muggle TV screen. They were showing "An American Werewolf In Paris." It always made him chuckle.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile Sirius had been busy. He had trawled round a few shops and gathered up some important items. It was time Remus had a break, and Sirius wanted to help him.  
  
Sirius doing shopping was an interesting thing to watch, and something to hope never happens in your town if you are a shop assistant. He had a methodical approach which usually stayed in place until he entered the first shop. He would make a list of everything he needed, and figure out a sensible order in which to buy them according to cash flow and positioning of the shops he needed to visit. Then he would step out of his car (a very old Bentley his father had presumed stolen and which now resided in the trashed and vandalised garage adjacent to Sirius and Remus' flat; the car, however, remained in perfect condition and had never been subject to so much as an attempted break-in.) After stepping out of his car, he would lock the car and make sure the security spell was intact, which it was because Remus made sure it was every evening but didn't tell Sirius he did this because he knew he'd get accused of paranoia (a perfectly normal state of mind for a Bentley owner living in near-slums.) After making sure his car was secure, Sirius would next of all make sure he had some money, which he always did, because although his parents were tight fisted when it came to shelling out for living accommodations, they didn't mind making sure their little Siri had plenty of pocket money (allowing him to live on the wages brought in by that good-for-nothing boyfriend of his was unthinkable.) The next stage was equally predictable because it always happened, every time. And this was the stage where Sirius realised he had left his shopping list at home.  
  
After realising this, Sirius would curse a bit, then head for the shops. He knew vaguely what he was there for anyway. In this case he headed straight for florists. On the list had been "ten dozen roses, or something." He wasn't totally sure how many ten dozen was (he could easily have worked it out, but couldn't be bothered) or if Remus even liked roses, but he knew how Remus' mind worked, and that it was the thought which counted. However, on the way to the florist he passed a fast food restaurant and stopped off for brunch (two cheese burgers, extra-extra large fries and a milkshake.) By the time he left the restaurant, he had forgotten what he was going to the florists for and stood staring at the door for five minutes before moving onto the next shop. Which happened to be a comic book store. Sirius liked comic books. He spent half an hour in there and came out with a couple of bags full of stuff. He then stood and thought about the list for a while. There had been something on there about Champaign, so he headed for the off-licence, where there was a free wine-tasting session going on. He stayed there for a lot longer than he intended, and then had to be carried to the nearest coffee house and sobered up again. After all this he was hungry again and went for lunch at the other end of town. Then he remembered the Champaign and headed back to the off-licence, the door of which was hastily slammed in his face.  
  
Next on the list was chocolates. All werewolves liked chocolate and none more than Remus, and the chocolate adored by Remus above all others was also the most expensive available. Sirius actually managed to buy the chocolate but also a lot of other chocolate as well, and. On the way back to the car (Sirius being now satisfied that he had bought everything he'd come for) he stopped at four more shops and bought a lot of stuff he didn't need and couldn't afford as well as a box of pineapples, fell down an escalator going up while trying to walk down it, knocked over three displays in three different shops, and stopped of for dinner at a restaurant which had to call the fire brigade and police after Sirius tried to show them a quicker, magical way to cook the food and set the kitchen on fire.  
  
The drive home was uneventful. It usually was.  
  
***  
  
Remus had fallen asleep on the couch with a text book in his lap and his glasses half-off when Sirius got back. Once the shopping had been put away ('hidden' would be a more accurate term) Sirius set about poking Remus in the head in an attempt to wake him up.  
  
"Wstfgl," said Remus, batting away his lover's hand.  
  
"Come on, Moony, wakey wakey!" Sirius pulled the (half-eaten) chocolate out of his pocket and waved in front of Remus' nose. Without opening his eyes, the werewolf clamped his teeth around it and rolled over so his back was to Sirius. There was the sound of a wrapper being removed and something being eaten ravenously. Sirius tapped Remus on the shoulder and was growled at. It was nearly full moon, he recalled, and you had to allow even Remus his moments of inhumanity.  
  
"Moony?"  
  
Remus turned to face him again, a small grin on his chocolaty lips. "Thanks, Siri," he muttered. "I needed that."  
  
Sirius felt his heart flutter for a second, and he leaned forward to kiss Remus gently. Then he realised there was something between them, and he picked the DATDA textbook up and flung it into the open fire on the other side of the room.  
  
"Sirius!" Remus yelped, jumping up to retrieve his book, but Sirius grabbed hold of his jeans belt and yanked him back onto the couch.  
  
"Stuff studying," he said. "You're bright enough to pass every exam without a stupid book."  
  
"But. . ."  
  
"No buts, Moony. You're starting to make me wonder who you love more: me or books." He smirked slightly as he said it, but Remus answered with all seriousness.  
  
"If you asked me to, love, I'd burn down the library."  
  
Sirius kept a straight face. "That means a lot to me." Then his face fell. "Er. . . I went out to buy you some Champaign and flowers, but a number of things happened along the way and. . . well, I didn't really buy anything. . . Sorry."  
  
Remus smiled and nestled down against Sirius' shoulder. "I have hay fever and I don't drink, Siri," he muttered, planting a kiss on his lover's cheek. Sirius grinned foolishly and leaned down so their lips met. After a while, Remus began to purr, as they lay together on the couch in the glow from the burning text book and with the scent of pineapples in the air, and the utter absence of moustached rockers eating all their biscuits, and Remus knew he would never want for anything else.  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Sirius Black or Remus Lupin. What? You thought I did? Your bad.  
  
Note to Anyone Who Understands It: That bit near the end came from the Fred/Roger thing:  
  
"I love you more than my car!"  
  
"That means so much to me! I love you more than my cats. . ."  
  
Note to Everyone: Yes, that whole story was a bit strange. I know. I wrote it, it did rather come to my attention. Whatever. Go review. 


	2. Results Day

Sirius' Cure For Exam Tension 2  
  
Results Day.  
  
A/N: I realise in chapter one I said that Sirius' parents knew he was going out with Remus. Lies, I tell you. That was before reading OotP, and I now don't think they'd stand for that sort of thing. As far as this chapter is concerned, they haven't a clue. Any complaints should be taken to my muse, Sam Sweeny, who will laugh at them for a while then go and have lunch.  
  
***  
  
Remus had been staying with his parents for the past week, but now it was time to pack his bags and get ready to go back to London. His family's home in Sussex was large and airy, but the oppressive heat of a southern summer was making him tense and snappy. He enjoyed spending time with his family, but his siblings were beginning to annoy him, and he was longing for the freedom of the London flat he shared with Sirius Black. Not only that, but his exam results were due back any day now, and his entire future rested on them. Last month's full moon had been one of his worst for years, mostly because Sirius hadn't been there to share it with him for the first time since their schooldays.  
  
He shoved the last of his belongings into his case, then propped it in the corner. After glancing around to make sure he'd left nothing out, he went downstairs to say goodbye to his family.  
  
"RemmiRemmieRemmie!" A small, blond, bullet-shaped child shot through a nearby doorway and hit Remus at waist-level. As the young werewolf fought to detach his adoring sister from him, his parents entered the room.  
  
"All ready, Remus?"  
  
"Yes, dad." Remus lifted his sister up and she hugged his neck affectionately. His mother smiled tenderly at them.  
  
"We'll finally get to meet this girlfriend of yours, then!" she said. His father nodded eagerly. They'd both tried to talk to him about the mysterious person he was sharing a flat with, but he had said they'd have to wait until today. At the mention of the word 'girlfriend', Remus' stomach clenched. He wished he'd told his parents about Sirius sooner, but it was too late for wishing now. Maybe the worst thing was, he didn't have a clue how his parents would react. His mother was a whimsical, docile, yet surprisingly sensible non-magical woman. The Lupins tended towards the traditional, and his mother seemed much happier looking after her children than she ever had at work. His father worked at Gringott's Bank, and these days was more relaxed and jovial than he had been for years. His main worry had been Remus, and whether the young werewolf would get a good education, but that worry was over now. Remus' two younger sisters were both witches after their father's side of the family, and the eldest of them was at Hogwarts. The family was simple and happy. Remus began to sweat at the thought of ruining that with his revelation.  
  
Sirius was due to pick him up at ten o'clock, but it was nearer half-past when they heard the crunch of tyres on the gravel drive. Remus had carried his bags downstairs, and stood, fidgeting, in the doorway. As his parents watches, a slim, raven-haired beauty leaped out of the car and threw herself at Remus. Startled, Remus pulled her away. The words "who are you?" died on his lips as a faint whiff of pineapple reached his nostrils and he recognised the brilliant green eyes peering out at him from under a firmly hair-sprayed fringe. The strange young woman kissed Remus on the cheek, at the same time whispering into his ear, "Polly juice potion, just play along, love. I'll explain later."  
  
Remus found he had utterly lost his voice, so Sirius introduced himself to the family. He clasped Mrs Lupin's hand and practically squealed "oooh, I've heard so much about you all! Remus speaks so fondly of you I thought 'they must be adorable' and look at you! You are!" An astonished Mr Lupin found himself kissing the young 'lady's hand, and the youngest of Remus' sisters was staring at Sirius in awe. Then Katy, the older sister, appeared through a doorway. Sirius' skirts whirled around him as he embraced her.  
  
Remus cleared his throat hurriedly. "Er. . .Mum, dad, I think we'd better be going now. . . Come on, Siri. . . Eh . . ."  
  
"No, *you're* the silly!" chirruped Sirius, throwing himself once more at Remus, who was just relived his beloved was such a quick thinker.  
  
Remus' father had caught sight of Sirius' Bentley parked outside the house. His eyes widened and he started towards it. Remus placed himself swiftly between the car and Mr Lupin. "Er, we really have to be on our way, dad. . . see you next month." He hugged his parents and dived into the passenger seat of the Bentley. Sirius was having none of that, however. He touched his throat lightly. "Remus, dear, I'm parched. Aren't you going to offer me a cup of tea?"  
  
"No! Get in the car, will you!"  
  
It took some time to bundle Sirius into the car, and half-way down the road they had to stop because the driver was doubling over in fits of laughter.  
  
"Okay, Sirius, explain yourself!"  
  
"Well," gasped Sirius when he'd recovered enough to speak, "I wasn't so sure your parents should know about us just yet. That's all."  
  
"But we talked about this!" said Remus angrily. "I told you I wanted them to know finally. We agreed this was right!"  
  
"Listen to me for a minute, will you?" Sirius' huge grin had vanished. He looked Remus in the eye. "My dad's Deputy Minister for Magic. Your dad's a Gringotts' bigwig. Well there's some meeting at the bank this weekend and both of our parents will be there! What if mine find out? That'd be the end of me!"  
  
Remus sighed and nodded. "Maybe it's for the best then."  
  
The polyjuice potion was starting to wear off, and Remus couldn't help feeling faintly disturbed as the woman next to him slowly became a man again.  
  
"Who. . .?" He began.  
  
"Stole a hair from my cousin," said Sirius. Then he giggled. "I've never been female before."  
  
". . ." said Remus, and, "just drive the car, will you?"  
  
"Right."  
  
The drive back to London should have been a simple one. It wasn't. For an idea of how chaotic it actually was, see the previous description of his shopping trip. Sirius was incapable of doing anything without making a show of it. He took more wrong turns than Remus could keep track of, and ended up in several dead-end roads. There was a near-collision with a milk float and a man walking a very small dog. But the best of all were the roundabouts. Sirius went round them as fast as he could and came shooting off down any road he liked, quite often having to turn round, go back, and go round the roundabout again. Remus spent most of the journey with his head between his knees in the crash landing position. Finally, they stopped in a service station for a rest. Sirius was attracting rather a lot of attention - the potion had nearly all worn off, but there was still something feminine about him and men kept trying to catch his eye when Remus wasn't looking.  
  
"I can't wait until I get my Apparation licence," muttered Remus, as he sipped on service station tea and poked at a dry service station digestive biscuit with a plastic service station spoon.  
  
"I like driving," said Sirius happily.  
  
"You like driving me up the wall, you mean?"  
  
Sirius pulled a pathetic face. "Aww, Remmie. . ." But he was distracted when a woman waved coyly at him, noticed his still feminine figure, and ran, mortified, to the toilets. He grinned. "This is great, everyone loves me," he said happily.  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. "Well, I'd like the old Sirius back, thank you."  
  
Sirius glanced at the watch. "I've got a few minutes. And I haven't tried walking into the men's toilets yet."  
  
"Ohdeargod," muttered Remus, watching Sirius slink towards the mens'. His walk would have made Casanova go weak at the knees, but it just made Remus slightly seasick. While he waited for Sirius to return, he grinned nervously at all those who's attention Sirius had attracted and pretended he had never met the other man in his life.  
  
***  
  
Now, it wasn't that Remus was ashamed of Sirius. Quite the opposite, in fact, but the pair were so incompatible that they were compatible. Remus still couldn't figure out how this worked, and most of the time he was content to let it be but sometimes Sirius did the most absurd things that Remus got to wondering. Like today for example. Sirius could simply have sent Remus an owl telling him he'd have to make his own way home, so he could avoid meeting the werewolf's parents. Instead, he'd had a temporary change of gender. That was Sirius all over. He couldn't do something the simple way if there was an alternative, difficult way. And, somehow, he'd manage to make that difficult way look just as easy while iat the same timei causing as much chaos and destruction was humanly possible. He wasn't a wizard, he was a walking enigma made up of paradoxes. And he liked to eat a lot of tinned pineapple.  
  
Back in London, Remus was uneasy. Sirius, now totally male again, was sitting in his armchair with his legs crossed, singing the operatic bits of "Bohemian Rhapsody" at the top of his voice. Remus threw a coaster at him to attract his attention, and in response, Sirius pounced on him and pinned him to the couch.  
  
"Ow," growled Remus.  
  
"You were looking tense."  
  
"So you jumped on me?"  
  
"Yup. So what's bothering you?"  
  
"What do you think, Sirius? Tomorrow is the seventeeth."  
  
". . . And your unlucky number is seventeen?"  
  
"No! It's results day."  
  
Sirius' face went blank for a moment, then, "Oh! For all those exams we did!"  
  
"Yes Sirius. For all those exams we did. Which will change the course of our lives forever."  
  
"Oh, well. I know what I'm going to do with my life."  
  
"And that is. . .?"  
  
"I'm going to have a pineapple farm!"  
  
Remus stared into his partner's eyes for a long time. Sirius' long, black hair brushed Remus' cheeks, their faces just inches from each other's. This was how he liked Sirius best: when he was close, when his full attention was on him, Remus, and when he wasn't saying anything at all. He reached up and tucked stray strands of black hair behind Sirius' ears. "You don't farm pineapples, love."  
  
"I'll be an intrippener!" said Sirius triumphantly. Remus' eyes narrowed.  
  
"Entrepreneur?"  
  
"That's exactly what I said," said Sirius, poking Remus on his pointy nose, then stealing his glasses and running out of the room with them.  
  
Remus had explained to a University friend once: "Sirius isn't stupid, honestly. He used to get the best marks in our year at Hogwarts. It's just that he directs his vast intellect along unconventional bearings." The friend didn't buy it, and remained convinced that Sirius had gotten into University by some fluke in the laws of nature.  
  
But Remus was right, more or less. Sirius wasn't stupid. And when it came to knowing when he'd gone to far, his judgement was flawless. For example, he knew when Remus chased him into the bathroom, leaped at him and pinned him to the bed, growling deep in his throat, he guessed he'd pushed his boyfriend beyond reason. He put on his best puppy-dog face and whimpered. Remus grunted, angry at himself for not being able to stay angry at Sirius, and shoved him off the bed. He pushed his glasses firmly up his nose again. From floor-level, Sirius apologised until Remus hit him with a pillow.  
  
"Ow. No need for all this violence, Rem. You're too tense, you are."  
  
"I'm not. I'm just a little bit on edge. About tomorrow." Remus fidgeted nervously.  
  
"Well don't be." Sirius clambered up to sit next to Remus. "There's nothing you can do about it now," he said kindly, and Remus relaxed slightly. "You've done your best, you can't change it now. If you've failed, you've failed!"  
  
"Sirius!" Remus sat bolt upright. "You don't really think I've failed, do you?"  
  
"Nah, course not." Sirius leaped off the bed and dashed towards the door. "Come on, Remmie, I've got a great idea!"  
  
Hesitantly, Remus followed Sirius out of the flat and along the road and round the corner and stopped outside their local. He sighed.  
  
"No, Sirius, this is what's called a *bad* idea," he muttered. "I don't drink, I never have."  
  
Sirius shook his head. "It's a great idea. Come on in." He shoved the door open and led the way inside the pub. As soon as Remus stepped over the threshold, a cheer rose up from the crowds within. Remus blinked, then rubbed his eyes. The place had been transformed since he'd last seen it. In front of him was a large buffet table, and around him the air was filled with the strains of the latest wizard rock groups. There were streamers all over the place and the atmosphere glittered, rather than hang thickly filled with smoke and alcohol fumes as was usual. But the most amazing thing was all the people. Everyone Remus had ever counted as a friend was there. People he hadn't seen for years, people he saw every day, people he seldom spoke to but sent Christmas cards to, people he'd shared a dormitory with at Hogwarts, even people who had taught him there. And all were grinning at him and cheering for him and giving him the thumbs up. And above them all was a large banner declaring, in Sirius' handwriting, "CONGRATULATIONS/COMISSERATIONS, REMUS!" He was so astonished by the whole thing, he didn't even notice 'commiserations' was spelled wrong.  
  
"Sirius!" he gasped, as seven people all tried to buy him a drink at once. "What. . . I mean how. . ." then his voice failed him.  
  
"It's a party for you," said Sirius happily. "'Cause I knew you'd be all wound up and stuff about these exam results. I wanted to show you what really matters in life."  
  
Remus grinned stupidly at him. "How long have you been planning this?"  
  
"Dunno. What year is it?"  
  
"1984. . ."  
  
"Since Tuesday, then."  
  
James Potter shoved his way through the crowd, and drew Remus and Sirius into a huge bear hug. "You really worried, Remus?" he asked. Remus nodded. "Well, don't be. We don't care how well you do, do we, Sirius? A few stupid qualifications won't make you any more our friend. And failing won't make you any less." Sirius nodded happily and Remus went pink around the ears and the tip of his nose.  
  
"C'mon," said James happily. "Let's see if we can find Lily and Peter. And then, I've got some great ideas for some minor pranks. . ."  
  
Remus grinned as his two best friends dragged him away, laughing and chatting as if they were still a group of mischievous schoolboys.  
  
***  
  
The next morning, Remus didn't wake up until eleven, and found himself alone in bed. This struck him as strange because the situation was usually reversed. Remus was always up by nine, and Sirius was yet to be convinced that nine *had* an am. He rolled out of bed and groped on the bedside table for his glasses. Once he had wedged them onto the bridge of his nose once more, he clambered back into bed and shut his eyes again. He felt relaxed. He didn't want to get up. A few minutes later, the bedroom door opened and Sirius came in with a cup of tea.  
  
"G'morning, love!" he said brightly, setting the mug down on Remus bedside table. Remus opened an eye.  
  
"Morning. No hangover?"  
  
"I don't get 'em."  
  
"I bet anything James will."  
  
Sirius grinned and flopped onto the bed, snuggling closer to Remus. A contented smile spread across Remus' lips, and he turned to embrace Sirius. It was some time later when Sirius whispered, "congratulations, by the way."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Oh passing all your exams." Sirius handed him an already-opened envelope. Remus pulled out the letter inside and read it through twice. Then he let out a relieved sigh and fell back on the bed. "You'd forgotten, hadn't you?" said Sirius.  
  
"Very nearly," Remus admitted. "Thank you, Sirius."  
  
"Eh? What for?"  
  
"For showing me I don't have to be a genius to be happy. All I really need, on pain of sounding cheesy, are my friends."  
  
"Is that all?" grinned Sirius, kissing Remus teasingly on the nose.  
  
"Well, maybe not *all*. . . But pretty damn close."  
  
Remus reached out to pick up his teacup. He raised it to his lips, then paused. "You made this, right, Sirius?"  
  
"Yep!" said Sirius proudly. "All by meself."  
  
"So. . .How much pineapple is in it, exactly?"  
  
"Not very much. . ."  
  
"Never mind." Remus raised the mug to his lips again.  
  
"Oh, Remmie. . . There's something else I should probably tell you."  
  
Remus froze. "About the tea?"  
  
"No. Not the tea."  
  
"Good." Remus sipped while he listened.  
  
"You know how you forbid me from ever summoning Freddie Mercury again. . .?"  
  
"Oh dear. He's not here, is he?"  
  
"Not exactly. . ."  
  
"Freddie Mercury's not exactly here? Well where is he then?"  
  
"I dunno, do I? It's not him. . ."  
  
Remus groaned. "Sirius. . . Who's in our house?"  
  
"Jimi Hendrix."  
  
Remus spat tea across the bedroom. "Sirius! How did you do that? He's DEAD!"  
  
"He just sort of showed up looking confused. . ."  
  
". . . He's not touched the bourbons has he?"  
  
"Nope. But the custard creams are in serious danger."  
  
Remus leaped out of bed and sprinted into the other room. Sirius grinned nervously and pulled a tin of pineapple out from under his pillow. As a rather strange row erupted in the next room, Sirius lay back, content that life with Remus was back to normal at last.  
  
*** A/N: No. I do not know how the university system works. Get off my case.  
  
Please review. You'll help me to remember what I'm living for.  
  
P.S. I know it wasn't as funny as the last chapter. I only had a couple of days to finish this one. Might add one more, maybe. **Jives away** 


	3. Not much to do with exams but who cares?

Sirius' Cure For Exam Tension 3  
  
A/N: Before we start this chapter, I'd like to thank my reviewers who, on the most part, have been so kind. You know, if you don't like slash, there's a very simple solution to your problem: don't read it. 'Cause I sure as hell ain't going to stop writing it. I would give all my reviewers an individual mention, but you know what? There's so many of you and I don't have all day. I'd just like you all to know I appreciate your reading and liking my story. Hell, if you didn't like it, I also appreciate that opinion. For anyone out there who isn't liking it, I have this to say: I know where you live.  
  
For those who requested more fluffy Remus/Sirius slashyness. . . Well, there's some in this chapter. Yum. Et cetera.  
  
As for the whole date-issue, thanks to Liara for pointing out that Lily and James died before 1984. I'm not good at timelines. I'll sort it out at some point. Probably.  
  
Enough of this gay banter. On with the fic.  
  
***  
  
Remus Lupin rolled out of bed one morning in the summer. It was a late morning for him, nearly 9.30 am, and he was feeling groggy. The strains of what would later turn out to be Whitesnake not so much filtered through from the living room as smashed the door down and executed an offensive against his inner ear. He crawled towards the door and groped for the handle. The door smacked him in the face as he opened it, but eventually he tumbled into the living room, pulling his dressing gown on, and demanding that Sirius turn the music down.  
  
"Good morning Moony!" Sirius chirruped happily. "Sleep well?"  
  
Remus didn't answer, but slumped into an armchair. "Coffee," he grunted.  
  
"Coming right up." Sirius danced into the kitchen and returned minutes later with two mugs, which he put on the coffee table. Then he went back into the kitchen for a bowl, put that down too, and poured half of one of the mugs into the bowl. He slid easily into his canine form, and wedged himself into the chair next to Remus and nuzzled him affectionately. Remus patted him half-heartedly, stifling a yawn. All conversation while Sirius was dog-shaped took place via silent, mental communication. Sirius could talk directly to Remus' wolf side, almost telepathically, without making a sound.  
  
"You still don't like my music then?"  
  
"I don't care either way about the music. It's the fact that you play it at full volume before midday that gets to me."  
  
"You play your music loudly whenever you like."  
  
"Yes. But mine is . . ."  
  
"Boring."  
  
"Sirius! I was going for tasteful. . ."  
  
The dog glanced up at the man's face, then licked his hand. "You know I don't mean it."  
  
"Yes, well. . ."  
  
"Oh, by the way, guess what!? I answered the teleyphont this morning!" Sirius tone contained more than a hint of pride.  
  
Remus winced. "Really?" Sirius came from a large, pure blood wizard family, while Remus was half muggle. Remus had shown Sirius over the years how to use most muggle artefacts - the stereo, for example, although he now wished he'd left muggle music as a mystery to Sirius. The television was easy enough. Kitchen appliances had been surprisingly easy to teach to Sirius. Even the microwave hadn't presented much of a problem. However, when it came to telephones, it was very, very difficult for wizards to get the hang of technology. Sirius didn't like the idea of being able to talk to someone you couldn't see. All wizard forms of communication involved looking at a moving image of the person you were talking to even if you were miles apart. Telephones, obviously, weren't like that, and because Sirius couldn't see the person he was talking to, he got very confused. At first he was convinced there was some conspiracy. He protested that he had no proof that he was really talking to the person he thought he was. After all, it was all too easy to cast a spell to change the sound of one's voice. Remus had patiently explained that muggles couldn't do that, and anyway, what would be the point? After convincing Sirius that he could trust the person on the other end to be who they said they were most of the time, the next problem was in persuading him not to shout "CAN YOU HEAR ME?" into the mouthpiece every thirty seconds just to make sure.  
  
"They can hear you well enough," Remus explained. "You can hear them, right?"  
  
And that caused another problem. The first time Sirius used a phone, it had been to one of Remus' muggle friends who had been prior informed that Sirius was learning to use the phone.  
  
"Go on, answer it," Remus said, when the phone began to ring.  
  
Sirius tentatively lifted the receiver. "Now what?" he hissed.  
  
"Say hello," Remus told him.  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Into the mouth piece."  
  
"Oh. Hello?"  
  
Remus smiled slightly before, "ARGH! I'm hearing voices!"  
  
"Yes, that's the point!"  
  
Sirius threw the receiver away from him and glanced wildly about the room. "Who are you? I can't see you! Show yourself!" he yelled, until Remus had calmly explained the whole thing to him for the third time.  
  
Sirius threw the receiver away from him and glanced wildly about the room. "Who are you? I can't see you! Show yourself!" he yelled, until Remus had calmly explained the whole thing to him for the third time.  
  
And then there had been the problem with teaching him all about ringing people himself. He found phone numbers almost impossible to remember, and when the phone was answered, he panicked and forgot what to say. Therefore, Sirius and Remus seldom got any phone calls at all these days, because their muggle friends were almost afraid of what would happen when their call was answered. It struck Remus as odd on this particular day that someone should have phoned them. His first thought was that there had been some kind of emergency.  
  
"Who was it?" he asked anxiously.  
  
"Your father."  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
"Nothing. He just invited us over tomorrow. I said okay."  
  
"YOU DID WHAT!?"  
  
"I said okay, Moony. And I'm sitting right beside you, you don't have to shout."  
  
"But, but, but. . ." Remus leaped off the chair, and Sirius melted back into his human shape, standing up and following Remus into the kitchen as he did so.  
  
"Sirius! My family thought I lived with some girl! What did you tell them?"  
  
"That I was your flatmate. He asked about your girlfriend, I said you'd finished with her."  
  
"Oh, Sirius. . .This is a disaster!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I'm going to have to tell them!" Remus paced up and down the kitchen, ringing his hands. Sirius put a hand on his shoulder to stop him, then pulled him into his arms.  
  
"Yes," he said. "You are."  
  
Remus peered up at Sirius' expression. Gone was the usual eccentric cheerfulness in those bright eyes, replaced suddenly by something just as warm and welcoming, but something ultimately serious and sensible. This was the Sirius Black only those closest to him ever got to see. Remus made a small noise in his throat and buried his face in Sirius' neck.  
  
"Listen, Remus," the bigger man muttered, running his hands through the werewolf's light brown, shaggy hair. "You can't keep lying to your family. I don't like you lying about me either. I love you and I want everyone to know about it." He made a flamboyant arm gesture, taking in the whole of the kitchen and his invisible audience. "Don't you ever get the urge just to shout out how much you love me?" he continued. "I do everyday"  
  
Remus lifted his face and smiled sadly. "I do, but -"  
  
"Why can't you just be who you are?"  
  
"Who I am? I'm a werewolf, Sirius!"  
  
"Why can you say that out loud and not that you love me? Are you ashamed of me?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Of yourself, then? You're ashamed that you love another man."  
  
Remus made the same small noise again. "Yes," he whispered.  
  
With a deep sigh, Sirius folder his arms around Remus, drawing him even closer. "I know I can be an insensitive prick sometimes, but I know how you feel, Moony."  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"Of course. You think I'm one hundred percent sure of myself, all the way down, in everything I do? I'm as insecure as you. I just manifest it differently."  
  
"By eating a lot of pineapple?"  
  
"Exactly. Comfort food. Plus, it's utterly delicious."  
  
"But my parents . . ."  
  
"Obviously don't know you as well as I do. I know you're a gay werewolf and I love you more than anything else in this universe. If they can't love you when they know exactly who and what you are, they're not proper parents."  
  
"I couldn't bare it if they rejected me."  
  
"I know how that feels, Moony. We'll get through this."  
  
Once more, Remus looked up at Sirius with utter devotion. Sure, he loved Sirius' eccentricity, but sometimes all he needed was some honest affirmation. He savoured these moments when Sirius realised being wacky wouldn't work, and returned to Earth briefly to offer his advice and support. They were rare moments. If they weren't, they wouldn't have had the same sincerity.  
  
He leaned up and pressed his lips to Sirius'. The kiss was returned after a moment, and the two stood there wrapped in each other until they lost track of the time.  
  
***  
  
The next day Sirius transfigured his beautiful Bentley into a less swish yet efficient Toyota. He had driven the Bentley when masquerading as Remus' non-existent girlfriend, and he didn't want to give the game away before Remus was ready by turning up at the Lupin house in the same car. He didn't even grumble about magicking away his beloved Continental. He saw this as a mission, and he would do everything in his power to assure things went as planned.  
  
"Ready?" Remus asked, climbing into the passenger seat.  
  
Sirius turned to kiss him on the nose, then started the engine. "Pass me a sweet," he said, pulling on his driving gloves. Remus smiled. For Sirius, driving was a ritual. He had to wear his driving gloves because they had come with the car and would have been very expensive to buy, and he was determined not to let them go to waste. Then he demanded a near-constant supply of pineapple flavoured boiled sweets. And then, of course, he would get lost no fewer than three times, even when driving to the Potters' place three miles away. Remus was almost sure he did it on purpose. When they arrived at the desired destination (or at least, a destination,) he would sit with his eyes closed for exactly a minute. No one had ever figured out why, but Remus was almost sure that it was purely and simply to emphasise his outward peculiarity, just like his tendency to sit upside down in chairs at people's houses at random. But, eventually, they got there. Remus climbed out of the car and retrieved their overnight bag from the boot while Sirius apparently cleared his mind of the journey they'd just undertaken. Then he rang the doorbell, Sirius appearing at his side.  
  
"Hi mum," said Remus to the witch who answered the door.  
  
"Remus, it's good to see you again," said Mrs Lupin fondly. "And this must be Sirius? I've heard a lot about you, dear."  
  
"You have?"  
  
"Oh, yes. You were at school with Remus, weren't you?"  
  
"Yes, that's right." Sirius glanced sideways at Remus. "I'm an old school friend."  
  
"Well don't stand on the doorstep, you two, come on in!"  
  
They filed into the living room where Sirius was introduced to the rest of the Lupins. Remus' father, a middle-aged muggle who looked like an older version of Remus himself, was smoking a pipe and reading a muggle newspaper, but put everything to one side to welcome his son. Remus' sisters, fourteen-year-old Katy and near-silent, five-year-old Tabetha, were also introduced, but while Katy was merely polite to Sirius, Tabetha took a running jump and leaped into his lap. "Puppy," she announced, giving him a huge grin.  
  
"Er," said Sirius, glancing nervously at Remus.  
  
"She's got seventh sense," Remus explained. "Inherited it from our grandmother. Most of the women in the family have it, but not mum for some reason." He glanced at his father. "Tabby is obviously picking up the fact that you. . .Like dogs," he finished rather lamely.  
  
Tabetha had curled up on Sirius's lap and sighed contentedly when he patted her nervously on the head. Remus grinned. "You've made a friend for life there!"  
  
Remus' mother had made dinner and they were all sitting around the dining table by six o'clock. Tabetha made sure she was sitting next to Sirius, and spent most of the time watching him. Surprisingly, Sirius didn't find being watched by her all that uncomfortable, although Katy was also staring at him when she thought she could get away with it unnoticed. Remus found this highly amusing. He knew Katy would take a shine to Sirius, who was incredibly good looking.  
  
"Puppy," said Tabetha again when they went into the living room after dinner. She climbed once more onto Sirius' lap and started to plait his long hair, tying it back with red ribbons.  
  
"Ergh," muttered Sirius. "Red is definitely not my colour. Try the green ones."  
  
Katy joined them in the living room with her summer homework from Hogwarts, and pestered Sirius to help her with it while Tabetha continued to fuss over his hair. Remus smiled as he watched them, Sirius showing Katy how to draw a star chart for Astronomy, and Tabetha decided to attack his hair with a comb, removing the knots far better than Sirius could himself. He had just walked into their home and been accepted as one of them. It was better than Remus had dared to hope. If only his parents bonded with Sirius so easily, everything, he told himself, would be fine.  
  
When they were joined in the living room by Mr and Mrs Lupin, Sirius seemed to lose a little of his confidence. He remembered the seriousness of the situation and moved away from Remus, who winced at this noticeable movement.  
  
"Sirius, you have the spare bedroom at the end of the hallway," said Mrs Lupin. "Remus will show you where it is and he'll take your bags up too, won't you, Remus?"  
  
"Yes, mum."  
  
As the made to leave the room, Remus' father stopped him. "When's the next full moon, son?"  
  
Remus winced. "Next Friday."  
  
"Just checking."  
  
"He always does that," Remus explained as he and Sirius dragged their bags up the stairs. "Every new year he memorises the phases of the moon for the next twelve months. It's quite sad really."  
  
"Well I'd love to have your family," said Sirius. "In fact, I'd be happy just to swap cousins with you, I'm fed up of Bella going on about how superior she is. . ." He gazed along the upstairs corridor. "So which room is yours?"  
  
Remus grinned. "I'm not sure I should tell you. You might come and molest me during the night."   
  
Sirius looked shocked. "Would I do that?"  
  
"A guy can only hope."  
  
A grin spread across Sirius' face too. A new spin had been put upon their romance. In their own home and around their friends they could do whatever they wanted, but here, in Remus' parents' house, what they had was secret, forbidden love. Not only was it dangerous, it was exiting too.  
  
"So when do we tell them?" Sirius asked, as Remus pushed open the spare room door. "And how?"  
  
Remus voiced what had been on Sirius' mind. "Maybe we should leave it a little while. . . Until the last day maybe."  
  
"Good idea. Then if they get angry and throw us out it won't look too unusual to your sisters."  
  
"Exactly." Remus smiled as he sat down on the bed. "I think we've got a few minutes before Katy and Tabby come up to bed. . ."  
  
Sirius was never one to miss a hint. He locked the bedroom door, slipped out of his t-shirt, and sank down onto the bed beside Remus.  
  
***  
  
The following morning, Remus was once more the last one awake. It felt strange to be back in his old bedroom, in the single, Sirius-less bed. He rolled over and gazed at the posters adorning the walls of famous wizard pop groups and one of his favourite muggle singers, Phil Collins. Sirius had always ridiculed his taste in music, because it was so. . . What was the word Sirius used? Lame? Square? Something like that anyway. But Remus had always hidden his true tastes because agreeing with Sirius on this subject was something he had no intention of doing. It was much more entertaining this way. He made a mental note to remove the Queen poster from his wall before Sirius got to see it. In his family's house he was in the closet in one way, but with Sirius he was in the closet in completely another. As he dressed, he carefully took down and folded up the Meatloaf poster and the David Bowie poster. That was about it. Everything else was related to classical or jazz or . . . well, Phil Collins. That was suitably un-cool to avoid arousing Sirius' suspicion.  
  
He pulled on muggle clothes, because his father had always been slightly suspicious of male wizards' dress-like robes, and made his way down for breakfast. Katy was eating cereal at the table, and Tabetha was doing *something* with hers but Remus decided not to pay too much attention. His mother was making sandwiches, and Sirius was helping her. Warning bells sounded in Remus' head.  
  
"G'morning," he said, easing himself between Sirius and his mother. "Erm. . . Sirius, what sort of sandwiches are you making there?"  
  
He knew the answer before it was voiced: "Pineapple!"  
  
"Pineapple sandwiches. Right."  
  
"We're all going on a picnic," said Mrs Lupin. "I asked Sirius for some novel ideas for sandwiches and he's come up with some amazing concoctions. Did you ever realise how well chocolate spread and marmite go together?"  
  
"Er. . ."  
  
"Especially when you add tinned pineapple."  
  
"Oh god. . ."  
  
"Are you okay, Remus? You look a little pale?"  
  
Ignoring the question, Remus got himself some cornflakes and sat down at the table. He didn't dislike pineapple, but he had been subjected to so much of it that he was sure he had pineapple poisoning. It was definitely something to worry about.  
  
"You can make your own sandwiches if you like, Rem," said Sirius, as he carefully folded some ham into a sandwich which already contained jam and chocolate sprinkles.  
  
"I had every intention to do so," said Remus haughtily.  
  
Sirius grinned. That tone of voice was usually his cue to try any methods to re-gain Remus' adoration, such as frantic make-out sessions and outrageous declarations of love. His grin faded as Mrs Lupin handed him some beetroot in a jar and instructed him to make something utterly delectable out of it. Remus winked at him, and went back to his cornflakes.  
  
The picnic was to take place in the local park, where, he predicted, Tabetha could go and play on the swings and slides and things of that nature, and Katy could protest that she was too old for swings and slides, and her parents could lecture her on growing up too fast, and, Remus realised, there would be plenty of opportunity for he and Sirius to sneak off behind handy bushes and trees. It was also a great place for ants, which are essential for picnics.  
  
He was nearly accurate, too.  
  
"WAHOO!" Sirius cried as he slid down the longest slide Remus had ever seen. He was followed by Tabetha, who landed on top of him and declared "silly puppy!" Katy was next, and did a very good job of pretending she wasn't enjoying it.  
  
"Your turn, Moony!" Said Sirius, slapping Remus on the rear then pretending he hadn't.  
  
"I don't slide well," grumbled Remus. "I'm not aerodynamic."  
  
"Oh go on! Just one slide. You'll enjoy it."  
  
With even more reluctance than Katy, Remus climbed up the steps and stood at the top of the slide. As he gazed out over the park, he caught sight of something - someone - who made him lose his balance and tumble head-first down the slippery steel surface of the slide.  
  
"Woo! Good one!" said Sirius, helping Remus back to his feet. "My turn!"  
  
"Sirius -" Remus began, but the animagus had scampered away and was climbing up the steps himself. Remus panicked and glanced desperately around. The person he had spotted was once more out of sight. He relaxed slightly; maybe they had just been passing through. When Sirius tumbled to the overly-springy tarmac beside him, Remus dragged him to his feet and pulled him aside. "Sirius, there's something you have to. . .Oh *NO!*"  
  
Remus couldn't even remember how to panic as he caught sight of his parents talking to the one person he had never dreamed they would even encounter. . .  
  
***  
  
"You must remember us, dear," said Mrs Lupin brightly, as she put a sisterly arm around the young woman's shoulder. "You don't have to pretend for our sake either. Now I don't know what's happened, but I'm sure we can work something out. . ."  
  
The woman leaped away from Mrs Lupin as if she had just told her she had a highly contagious disease. "Who the hell are you?" she snapped, glancing from Mrs to Mr Lupin.  
  
"Now then," said Remus' father firmly, "there's no need to be rude. We know you've had a fall-out with our son, but -"  
  
Bellatrix Black stared at him, bewildered and annoyed. But even she couldn't resist the woman-to-woman pat on the arm and tone of voice employed by Mrs Lupin.  
  
"Really, dear, come along now, Remus is just over here, I'm sure we can all talk about this and the two of you will be back on friendly terms in no time at all. . ."  
  
Bellatrix could find nothing to say or do, and found herself being guided across the park to where Sirius was trying to poke some sense into a frozen, open-mouthed Remus. Mrs Lupin gave her son a stern glare. "Now then, Remus, I see it as an omen that we have encountered your lovely girlfriend while out on a family picnic. Whatever argument you two may have had, I'm sure you can sort it out, so why don't you invite. . . I'm sorry dear, I don't know your name. . . Why don't you invite this nice young lady to come and have lunch with us?" She turned to Bellatrix, who was staring in horror at Remus and Sirius. "And I'm sure that *you* would accept such a kind offer, wouldn't you, dear? You must be anxious to patch up your fractured romance with my son."  
  
Everyone was silent for a moment as the situation became clear in Sirius' mind, Remus remembered how to panic, and finally Bellatrix Black snarled in disgust.  
  
"Me?" She exclaimed? "ME go out with HIM? Me and Sirius' snotty little boyfriend? Are you mad, woman?" And with the shocking revelation still hanging in the air, Bellatrix turned on her heal and stormed away.  
  
There was another, longer silence, during which Mrs Lupin's jaw dropped and Sirius silently cursed his ingenuity which had allowed him to come up with the Polyjuice Potion plot last time he had encountered Remus' parents. Remus felt a hot red flush come over his face and neck.  
  
"Er, mum?" he murmured. "I think there's something Sirius and I should explain to you. . ."  
  
***  
  
Remus' mother took it extremely well. She was happy that Remus wasn't in a relationship with someone as rude as Bellatrix, and said she looked forward to Sirius showing her some of his unorthodox recipes at future family gatherings, although she did scold them for lying and pretending Sirius was someone he wasn't. Remus' father took it with a dignified silence and a nod. Katy went pink and pretended she didn't have a clue what was going on, and Tabetha, who had more of a clue than anyone gave her credit for, just smiled as she hugged Sirius and muttered "good puppy" into his ear.  
  
Not much more was said on the subject that weekend. Sirius made Sunday dinner, and hardly used any pineapple at all, which earned him a pat on the head and a dog biscuit from Tabetha. On the last night, however, when Katy had finally gone to bed, Mr and Mrs Lupin joined Sirius and Remus in the living room. Then Mrs Lupin stared at her husband until he cleared his throat and addressed Sirius.  
  
"Young man. . .Remus is our only son, and our eldest child. We can't pretend to understand what it is that makes you two. . ." his expression edged towards awkwardness, "love each other," he finished with an effort. "But we understand that you intend to spend your lives together, and we are prepared to accept that. You're welcome in our house whenever you want. Er. My wife has something to say."  
  
Mrs Lupin nodded. "Sirius, dear, I can only ask you to take as best care of my son as you can." She raised a finger as Remus opened his mouth to speak. "Yes, Remus, I know you can look after yourself but sometimes you need. . .Well, someone else's support. You know what I mean. Sirius, please keep him out of trouble. It's no less than I'd ask from the wife of a son."  
  
"Absolutely, Mrs L," Sirius assured her.  
  
"Don't hurt him," added Remus' mother, quietly.  
  
"I couldn't," said Sirius, compulsively gripping Remus' hand. The werewolf, who had gone slightly pink, rested his head on Sirius' shoulder.  
  
"Well then," said Mr Lupin, "We'll leave you alone now. See you in the morning."  
  
He headed upstairs while Mrs Lupin gave both of them a hug. "Good night, boys," she said, before following her husband upstairs.  
  
Sirius grinned at his boyfriend. "That went as well as could be expected," he said. "And for the first time ever I'm oddly grateful to Bellatrix for being so unknowingly useful."  
  
Remus nodded sleepily and kissed Sirius just the once. "I'm going to bed," he announced. "We've got a long journey tomorrow."  
  
When they got upstairs, they discovered Sirius' belongings had been moved into Remus' bedroom.  
  
Fini  
  
A/N: While I was writing this, Freddie Mercury's birthday came and went. Happy birthday, Fred. 


	4. Epilogue

Sirius' Cure For Exam Tension – Epilogue

Thanks to Polkat for this idea. 

A/N: This is definitely the end of this story. Look out for "Sirius' Cure For wedding Nerves" coming soon, and a great big THANK YOU goes out to absolutely everyone, and I mean everyone who reviewed. Rock on.

***

Remus Lupin woke up again. It was a warm morning. The duvet was half-off, and beside him, Sirius Black was snoring very quietly, one arm loosely around Remus' waist. Gently, so as not to wake his snoozing lover, Remus lifted the arm and slid out of bed, then padded into the adjoining bathroom. A billion thoughts flicked through his mind as he brushed his teeth. He'd done it – his parents knew he was gay, and they were more or less okay with it. His sisters loved Sirius, and Sirius liked his entire family. He could be honest with his parents now. He didn't have to lie to anybody. Life, he realised, was good. Nothing could possibly bring him down, nothing at all! Today he and Sirius were going home, back to London and their friends, but they could always come here when they wanted. His most difficult task in the foreseeable future was finding a job, and that wasn't urgent because Sirius worked. He still had his lycanthropy to deal with, but he was used to that by now. Life was absolutely perfe. . .

"MOONY!!" Remus hit his head on the bathroom cabinet as he started in surprise, then he stumbled into the bedroom, clasping his head. 

"Sirius!" he called, wondering what on Earth could have happened, "are you okay!"

Sirius was out of bed and stark naked. He had opened Remus' wardrobe and was staring inside it in horror. 

"What is it?" Remus demanded, trying to shove Sirius out of the way.

The taller man stared at him, preventing him from getting to the wardrobe. "Remus," he whispered, "you. . .You always said. . ."

Remus peered curiously over his lover's shoulder, and the blood drained from his face. He moved backwards quickly and fell onto his bed, where he buried his face in his hands. Sirius regarded him with a strange expression and eventually shut the wardrobe again. 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

__

This isn't happening, Remus thought. _It can't be. . ._

"Why did you look in my wardrobe?" he muttered.

"I wanted a shirt," said Sirius simply. 

"You should have asked. . ."

"I'm sorry, Moony, but I didn't expect to find – "

"I'm sorry, okay!" Remus glared at Sirius, determined not to appear ashamed. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but it's true. . .it's who I am."

"I know, Moony." Sirius' tone of voice was soft, but incredulous. "I just can't believe it. . .not _you_. . . You're the last person I would have imagined. . ."

"I tried to hide it from you because I thought you would laugh," muttered Remus. Sirius sat on the bed beside him and put his arms around him. 

"I'd never laugh at you, and not about this. This is. . .Remus, it's amazing, actually. I'm proud of you!"

Remus looked up at his lover, and a faint smile crossed his face. "Really?"

"Of course." Sirius lifted Remus chin with his hand, and kissed him. "Nothing could change the fact that I love you, and this... well, I guess it's a bonus." He grinned and drew away. "Come on, let's go and have breakfast."

They went downstairs, hand-in-hand. Inside the wardrobe, in the dark, Freddie Mercury continued to sprint the length of the poster, as he had every day since 1975, when Remus had finally found the nerve to go and buy it from the music shop in Hogsmeade. He was watched from a distance by Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor; a winning combination, Remus thought absently, like Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. He had nearly forgotten about his last secret, one he had kept from Sirius since he had discovered to his horror that his rather annoying house mate, Sirius Black was also a massive Queen fan. And after they became friends, it had all been a bit embarrassing and he had simply never found the correct moment to tell Sirius that he liked them too. It had always been a bit of an issue - everybody knew Remus hated rock music. Well finally he was out of the closet. And later he'd bring Freddie and the boys out of his own closet, and take the posters back to London with him, and put them up for all to see.

This was it then. No more secrets for Remus Lupin. 

***

When they got downstairs, breakfast was nearly over, but they grabbed some toast and decided to go back up to Remus' room and listen to music. Mrs Lupin raised an eyebrow. 

"Does Sirius like your sort of music, dear? I thought you told me he was into classical music and – "

"No mum, you must have heard wrong!" Remus laughed, leading an indignant Sirius back towards the stairs. Just then, the telephone rang. 

"Remus!" James Potter's voice boomed out of phone so loudly that the werewolf had to hold the receiver away from his ear to avoid being deafened. "Remus, I'm getting married!" 

Remus grinned and mouthed _"James is getting married,"_ at Sirius who was hovering at his elbow. 

"Yes, I heard."

Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius "I never should have let you teach him how to use the telephone."

"I'm getting married!" James yelled again, apparently not willing to be left out of the conversation. "Get your fat arse over here now, this calls for a party!"

Remus hung the phone up and the lovers grinned at each other. "We'd better go before he ruptures a ventricle," laughed Remus.

***

Sirius drove all the way home, but unusually, they didn't get lost even once. And all the way, Freddie Mercury sang for them, at the top of his voice, in the prime of his life, and Sirius joined in. Remus smiled, laughed and occasionally joined in with the two stars in his sky.

_

_

You know I never could see   
Where life was leading me   
But will we be together forever?   
What will be my love?"   
~Queen


End file.
